Why Stepping Back Is an Act of Love: Helping Your Teen Build Confidence and Independence

It may seem counterintuitive to think that doing less for your teen is the way to support them in accomplishing more, but there are developmental reasons why it works. Adolescence is the developmental stage in which your teen is forging their own path. They are looking for ways to define themselves, differentiate themselves from their family members, and connect with like-minded peers. This may look like asking more questions, challenging societal norms, aligning themselves with a new social group, or trying new things. Adolescence can bring a lot of tension for parents and teens alike. As a parent, you may feel like you are fighting a never ending battle of wills, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be that way.

Practical ways to ease the tension between you and your teen while fostering independence

1. Reframe defiance as self-reliance.

   If you think of your teen as defiant, you have already given them something to fight against. Defiance is doing the opposite of what you are supposed to do, which is actually highly desirable to teenagers. In this stage of development, it feels satisfying for your teen to defy you. Defiance is breaking the rules, pushing back against control, and defining yourself in opposition to someone or something else. When you shift your perception of your teen from defiant (rule breaking, geared towards opposition) to self-reliant (skill building, geared towards inner strength and growth), it will become easier to approach them with empathy rather than anger.

2. Be as non-reactive as possible.

   Remember that it is developmentally appropriate for your teen to want to change their hair color, their style, try out different interests, or even challenge the values you worked so hard to instill in them. While it may feel devastating to hear them speak out against the things you taught them to value, remember that this is not a personal attack on your character or parenting style. It is simply your teen differentiating themselves from the family unit. With that in mind, do your best to remain non-reactive. Your teen is expecting you to have a big, emotionally-charged reaction that they can fight against. If you remove the expected reaction, you also remove the fight.

3. Be curious, not critical.

   When your teen comes to you with what may seem like an outrageous idea, simply show interest in learning more. For example, if they say, “I think I should be allowed to get a tattoo for my 16th birthday,” instead of saying “No, that’s not happening.” Try saying, “Hmmm, that’s interesting. Tell me why you think you should be allowed to do that.” This doesn’t mean you are going to allow them to get the tattoo. It just means that you are providing them with an opportunity to express their thoughts, feelings, and ideas (something your teen desperately needs in this stage of development). It’s not about whether the answer is yes or no. It’s about allowing them to feel heard.

4. Let them make mistakes.

   As a parent, your natural inclination may be to step in and protect your child from facing life’s harsh consequences. This makes sense. You don’t want to see them experience emotional or physical pain. However, by stepping in and protecting them from facing the consequences of their behavior, you are robbing them of the opportunity to learn from their mistakes.

   As a school psychologist, I have encouraged parents to step back and let their teen fail the test, lose the game, miss the deadline, etc. If your teen needs academic or emotional support to reach their goal, it is part of your job to advocate for them. However, it is not your job to force them to study for the test, take advantage of the extra help that is offered, or call the school to find out ways for them to boost their grade before the end of the quarter. Unfortunately, doing these things teaches them that you don’t believe they are capable of problem-solving on their own and they don't have to face the natural consequences of their behavior. These are likely not the lessons you intend to impart, but every time you swoop in to “save them,” you are taking away the opportunity for them to exercise their independence and take accountability for their actions.

Sources & Further Reading

• National Library of Medicine. The Promise of Adolescence: Realizing Opportunity for All Youth

• Center for Parent and Teen Communication. When to Let Teens Make Mistakes

• Center for Disease Control. Tips For Encouraging Independence

Disclaimer: The information in this article is provided for educational purposes only and is not intended to replace individualized medical, psychological, legal, or educational advice. Every child and family is different, and decisions should be made based on your unique circumstances, ideally in consultation with a qualified professional when appropriate. The strategies discussed here are intended for typical developmental challenges and may not be appropriate in situations where a child or teen is in immediate physical or emotional danger, engaging in high-risk behaviors, or experiencing a mental health crisis. In those situations, immediate intervention and professional support are essential.

Summer Survival Guide for Parents of Neurodivergent Kids

For many kids, summer break means pool parties, camp activities, and relief from academic responsibilities. For neurodivergent kids, it can also mean unpredictable schedules, overwhelming feelings, and difficulty transitioning from school-mode to summer-mode.

Neurodivergent kids can still enjoy their summer vacations, but they may need support managing summertime triggers.

What Are Summertime Triggers For Neurodivergent Kids?

1. Unpredictability

   Neurodivergent children (and most children) crave predictability. During the school year, they move through the same sequence of events every day. Wake up, get ready, go to school, do homework, attend activities, get ready for bed. Following the same routine every day is a big part of what keeps their nervous systems regulated. For neurodivergent kids, predictability = safety.

2. Changing Routines & Expectations

   When neurodivergent children enter summer break, they gain freedom, flexibility, and independence, but they lose predictability, structure, and routine. This places heavy demands on their executive functions, especially emotional regulation, working memory, and mental flexibility.

   Think about it this way. Even if your child follows the same routine every summer, it has been 10 months since they’ve followed that routine. They are simultaneously accepting the loss of school-based structure, the confusion around feeling distressed when other kids seem to be excited, and the pressure of figuring out how to operate successfully in summer-mode.

   When summer vacation comes around, your child is likely transitioning from a highly structured school schedule to a loosely structured summer break schedule. Again, this is going to place demands on their executive functions and may result in BIG reactions to “small” triggers. If your child is melting down when you tell them it’s time to leave the park, it may have something to do with the fact that they are used to sitting through a math lesson every day at this time during the school year. You may be thinking “The park is so much more fun than a math lesson, why are they upset?” The reason is simple. The change in routine may be setting off alarm bells in their nervous systems, triggering big feelings they do not know how to manage yet. On top of that, they likely have no idea why they are having such a big reaction, which makes the experience feel even scarier for them.

3. Sensory Sensitivities

   Some neurodivergent children experience sensory sensitivities all year round. This may look like refusing to wear certain items of clothing because they feel “scratchy,” crying after getting out of the shower or bath, refusing to play outside when it’s “too hot” or “too cold.” If your child is crying this summer when you’re leaving the beach, consider that it may be related to sensory discomfort. This could be anything from sitting in a wet bathing suit, getting into a car that has been baking in the sun all day, or feeling wet sand inside their shoes.

Neurodivergent children may feel things more intensely than neurotypical children. This may look like sensitivity to the fluorescent lights in the grocery store, being distracted by the whirring of a fan in the corner of the room, or reacting strongly to the emotional experience of a distressed child in their presence. This is a beautiful thing as it can mean increased empathy, understanding, and attunement to the world around them. It also means they may have to move through the world a little more mindfully to manage the intensity of their experiences.

3 Ways To Support Your Neurodivergent Child This Summer

• Provide as much predictability as possible.

  Whether you are staying home or traveling, it is still possible to develop a predictable routine. It is not your job to create a rigid structure for summer to prevent your child from getting triggered. Your child can likely adapt to a flexible schedule, but neurodivergent children may need more time to adjust, more grace in feeling their feelings, more reminders, and more reteaching.

Remember that your neurodivergent child is likely attuned to what is going on with your nervous system as well as their own. Don’t worry about trying to control every aspect of their schedule to prevent a meltdown. That is not the goal. The goal is to provide safety through predictability. This will look different for every family but maybe predictability for you looks like doing the same activity every day at the same time, keeping morning and evening routines consistent, or helping your child fill out a summer calendar or planner so they know what to expect ahead of time. Remember that predictability will help to regulate your nervous system as well as your child’s, making it easier for you to manage your own stress and model expected behavior for your child.

• Set Clear & Attainable Expectations.

Acknowledge and explain the change in expectations as you move from the school year into the summer. Acknowledging what they are experiencing is validating and likely calming for your child. It allows them to think “Mommy knows I’m having a hard time. She even knows why I’m having a hard time. I’m safe.” Once you’ve acknowledged the transition, review expectations for summer and don’t be afraid to post a checklist or visual on the wall. They likely need the reminder and having something concrete to point to can be very helpful.

Expectations will look different in every household and that’s okay. As long as you create clear, attainable expectations, you’re on the right track. For example, if your children tend to forget to brush their teeth in the morning, the expectation that they brush their teeth independently 7 days a week may be unattainable right now. A more attainable expectation may sound like “I will remember to brush my teeth without a reminder from mom on Monday and Tuesday this week.” If you are reading this and saying “That’s not enough,” I agree with you. The end goal is for them to form the habit of brushing their teeth every morning and evening without being reminded. However, if you start with a big, lofty goal, your child will likely fall short and feel as though they’ve failed, whereas if you start with a tiny, reasonable goal, your child is more likely to be successful, which will result in increased confidence and motivation.

You have to start small and set expectations they can meet successfully. If they don’t meet your expectations, it may mean that your expectations are unrealistic. The answer is simple. Change your expectations to match the behavior, not the other way around.

• Help Them Manage Big Feelings

One of the best ways to teach emotional management is to model it. It is okay to tell your child, “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed right now.” By saying this to your child, you are showing them that you have identified your feeling, the appropriate word to describe that feeling, and communicated it calmly. Isn’t this exactly what you expect them to do? If so, they likely need to hear it over and over again to internalize it and apply it themselves.

In addition to modeling, you can also help your child manage big feelings by helping them plan ahead for potentially triggering situations. For example, if you know it’s hard for your child to transition from one activity to another, you can support their experience by giving them a warning like, “We are going to have to pack up in 5 min. If you still want to have a turn on the swings, start heading over now.” Letting them know how much time they have left to play and reminding them to choose what they want to play before they leave gives them a sense of control that is essential for helping them maintain emotional safety.

Every time you schedule a predictable activity, provide a reminder, or express your emotions openly, you are teaching your neurodivergent child how to navigate the world in a way that honors their experience.

A Note to Readers:
The ideas shared in this blog are drawn from my professional experience as a school psychologist and executive function coach, as well as current best practices in the field. While I hope these strategies are helpful, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to supporting neurodivergent children. Every child has unique strengths, needs, and circumstances. This content is intended for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for individualized medical, mental health, educational, or therapeutic advice. If you have concerns about your child, please consult with an appropriate qualified professional.