Tired of Battling Over Your Child's Phone? Rethinking Phone Limits This School Year
When you see your children glued to their phones, what goes through your mind? Do you see phone use as a waste of time, a distraction from schoolwork, or a drain on their mental health? Do your children pick up their cell phones at what seem like wildly inappropriate times, whether that is during a serious conversation, a family dinner, a social event, or right after you just asked them to get started on their homework? This can feel incredibly dismissive, especially when you feel like you are constantly competing with the phone for your child’s attention.
Phones have become a major source of contention in many households, but if we look a little deeper, it’s not actually about the phones at all. Phones are simply tools children use to gain control in a world where they control very little. So much of childhood is following the rules. Children are constantly being told “sit here, slow down, lower your voice, clean up, etc.” Since children have limited autonomy in their daily lives, they are continuously looking for opportunities to exercise independence and feel in control.
Phones provide children with a very powerful opportunity to be in control. Think about it this way. Children can choose to control their own reality and explore different identities through online games. They can consume knowledge and information on their own terms through youtube videos. They can take control of their social lives by making online friends through discord. This can be particularly important for neurodivergent children who feel as though they have to mask their authentic selves to get through the school day. When they get home, the phone may feel like their only outlet for self-expression, creativity, and meaningful connection. When children go home and immediately reach for their phones, what they may be reaching for is freedom from academic demands, social stressors, and the expectations of a school-based structure that was not built for them.
Now that we’ve established why the phone is so important to children, should we just let them use it 24/7? Of course not. Unlimited access to anything is never the answer. Children need to learn the importance of respecting limits so that they can learn to self-regulate, manage multiple responsibilities, and prioritize what’s most important to them in life.
So How Do I Set Phone Limits My Child Will Actually Follow?
Acknowledge their perspective.
Lead with curiosity, not judgment. In other words, say “You spend a lot of time on roblox. What do you love about it?” Don’t say, “Why do you always have to be on your phone?”
Clearly state your feelings about their phone use.
If you feel angered or disrespected when your children take out their phones mid conversation, instead of saying, “Get off your phone.” Say, “I feel hurt when you look down at your phone during our conversations.” Telling them to get off of their phones is almost guaranteed to initiate a power struggle. Telling them exactly how their behavior is making you feel is more likely to help them access empathy and understand your perspective.
Set clear, realistic, and purposeful limits around phone use.
The limits you set around phone usage should have a clear purpose behind them. For example, if your child is missing the bus every morning because they are staying up at night on tik tok, they likely need help regulating their phone use at bedtime. Many neurodivergent kids struggle with sleep because of how difficult it feels for them to calm their minds, slow their bodies down, and relax into sleep. This means that they may need support with new bedtime phone limits. This may look like providing them with a replacement tool they can use to fall asleep whether that is listening to soothing music, a sleep meditation, or a calming audiobook. If your child is becoming emotionally dysregulated after talking with friends on snapchat every afternoon, they may need limits around their use of snapchat and guidance around setting boundaries with friends, how to stand up for themselves, and possibly education around how social media can impact mental health.
Remember that the phone is a tool children use to meet their needs. If we are going to limit their access to it, we need to give them alternative tools they can use to get their needs met.
Sources
Reducing Smart Phone Use for adolescents with attention-deficit hyperactive disorder
Navigating Screentime Recommendations with neurodiverse children
Tools & Resources
